


All My Bones

by crystalkei



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fake Marriage, Undercover as a Couple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-03-25 22:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13844028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: “A commander, even a fake one...that’s an Eye...he can’t be unmarried.” He looked at her like he was waiting for something.“Spit it out,” she urged, annoyed, but low.“Commander Pryce is willing to erase your records as a handmaid. If you agree to it, he’ll marry us and as far as Gilead is concerned, that will be that."





	1. Chapter 1

“I felt it was the right call. I couldn’t reach you and I was concerned for the handmaid’s safety as Mrs. Waterford has become increasingly aggressive towards her.”

 

“They used to say girls were sugar and spice, you remember that, Nick?” Commander Pryce shook his head, ready to laugh at his own statement, he didn’t wait for a response. “With Waterford misusing a second handmaid, I can finally move him to a lesser position. He can’t use his time with the organization as defense after two abused handmaids.”

 

Nick cleared his throat and shuffled the papers in front of him. “What’s going to happen to her?”

 

“This is your big break, Guardian Blaine, what would you do?”

 

\--

 

She hadn’t been escorted to a cell. It was definitely a locked room, but it reminded her of the breakroom at work, before. There was a beat up couch that she was told to sit on, it smelled like her grandma’s house so it must have been old. There were round tables, and chairs, a refrigerator and a sink, a spot where there used to be a microwave, she could tell by the grease outline on the backsplash. 

 

It wasn’t what she expected because it wasn’t a cell and it wasn’t particularly intimidating. But June had been in the locked room for an hour and she was vacillating between bored and terrified. 

 

The door clicked, signalling it’s unlocking, and she closed her eyes, worried about what might be coming for her, as if it wouldn’t be as harmful if she didn’t see it. It was cowardly on a day she’d been defiant and brave, but a person can’t be expected to be on all the time. 

 

“June.” He said her name with that lilt that meant he was smiling, the one where it started small and he controlled it, but then he smiled wider, the smile meant for her. 

 

She opened her eyes in time to catch the last moment of the smile. She wanted to run to him but this was a cell, even if it didn’t look like one, and the enemy was just outside the door. Better to stay seated on the couch. 

 

“There’s a camera, but there’s no audio,” Nick explained as he sat in a chair across from her.

 

“Guess I’ll stay here on the other side of the room from you then, for propriety,” she said, sitting up a little straighter and clasping her hands in front of her, the way Aunt Lydia had drilled into them. “What’s happening?”

  
He didn’t immediately answer. Of course he didn’t. There was so much about Nick that she appreciated: his bad jokes, the way he let her lead, the safety and calm his arms around her brought. But Nick was never quick to explain things, he didn’t say much and when it was something important, she wondered if the ice caps would melt before he managed to get it out. This was no different. 

 

“Do you know who Commander Pryce is?” he asked finally and she shook her head. “He’s above Commander Waterford, well, technically. The hierarchy is complicated.” 

 

“Okay and?” June felt bad about snapping but she needed to know what was going on. 

 

Nick looked at his hands before shaking them out and then focusing on rubbing the ring finger of his left hand. 

 

“He's who I report to as an Eye.”

 

June nodded.

 

“I've known him for a long time and he likes me.” His words were slow, more so than usual, like he was embarrassed. 

 

“Congratulations,” she said, flatly. “What does that have to do with me?”

 

Nick looked at his watch and then up to ceiling, over her shoulder, she didn’t follow his gaze but she assumed it was where the camera was. 

 

“I’ve been passing information to May Day,” he said, his voice lower than it had been. 

 

“What?” June couldn’t believe what she’d heard. “You’ve been what?” 

 

He straightened his tie and rubbed his left thumb along his palm, fidgeting further, before repeating, “I’ve been passing information to May Day and today, I’ve been offered an opportunity to advance as an Eye, because Commander Pryce likes me and because I’ve been reporting on Waterford.” 

 

“Spying on him you mean?”

 

Nick nodded. “Pryce wants to make me a low level commander so that I can easily run in the circles these men run in, so I can be in their offices and dining rooms, get drunk with them and listen to what they say.” 

 

“Can’t Commander Pryce do that?” June asked, unsure how any of these things connected. 

 

“He’s their boss, remember? No one lets the dirty laundry slip around their boss.”

 

“What does this have to do with May Day or me?” She felt like a broken record but she wanted him to get to the point. 

 

“He’ll make me a commander but commanders are all married. And he knows very well you can’t go back to the Waterfords because of the way they mistreated you.” 

 

“ _ Mistreated _ me? You mean beat me, raped me-” 

 

“I told him, I had to write a goddamn report, I got you out of there as soon as I could.” His hand came up, like he wanted to reach for hers, but he remembered the camera at the last minute. “I’m sorry it took so long.” 

 

She wanted to be closer to him, he was so sincere in his apology, she wanted to press her nose against his neck and tell him she forgave him. “So I can’t go back to the Waterfords?”

 

Nick shook his head. 

 

“So, where will I go? A new commander? A new house? I’m pregnant, how will this play out?”

 

“A commander, even a fake one...that’s an Eye...he can’t be unmarried.” He looked at her like he was waiting for something. 

 

“Spit it out,” she urged, annoyed, but low. 

 

“Commander Pryce is willing to erase your records as a handmaid. If you agree to it, he’ll marry us and as far as Gilead is concerned, that will be that. No one but the Waterfords, Pryce, and you and I know you’re pregnant. Consider it Serena Joy’s punishment for what she did.” 

 

“Excuse me?” She tilted her head, surely he hadn’t just said that. 

 

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay, I’ll pull some strings in May Day and get you out of the country. I’m not sure how yet, but I’ll make it happen.” He didn’t sound sure of his abilities but he was vehement about the end goal, it made her heart clench. “I’ll drive you to the border myself if I have to.” 

 

“People will recognize me, there’ll be so much gossip, I can’t-”   
  
“Do you honestly think they remember you? You and I are wallpaper to them.” 

 

“And what am I going to do? Sit around and incubate?” It wasn’t a good idea, it was a dangerous idea. 

 

“No.” He was offended at the implication, which was something, she guessed. “We know Serena Joy is the one with all the brains, how many more of the marriages are like that? A lot of them probably. You rub elbows with the wives and they’ll talk to you.” 

 

“Serena Joy and her friends are going to open up to me? The former Handmaid? The pregnant woman in a room full of barren ones? Listen to how ridiculous this plan is.”

 

He looked at his watch, again, but this time he stood up and moved to sit next to her. She leaned away from him, the camera was watching and she was already in a precarious position. 

 

“I set the camera to loop after 10 minutes,” he said, without moving closer. 

 

Her shoulders relaxed and she reached for his face. He leaned into her hand, closing his eyes. 

 

“I wish we could run away,” she whispered. 

 

“If that’s what you want, we’ll go.” 

 

Nick hadn’t opened his eyes, like that, it was easy to see he was caught up in terrible plans. She wondered if she asked him to move a mountain, if he’d agree to it. Desperate to keep her safe and make her happy. 

 

It was as tempting as Janine asking her to jump. Ignoring all the pain and injustice, removing herself from the situation and leaving everyone else to suffer, she knew she couldn’t save everyone, so why not just save herself? Why not ride off into the sunset with Nick?

 

Because they’d probably be caught. Just like when she tried to run away with Luke. And Hannah. 

 

Hannah. 

 

“We can’t. I have to find Hannah.”

 

His eyes opened and he nodded. “It will be easier to do that if I’ve got access.” 

 

“Mrs. Waterford threatened Hannah, she’s going to hurt her.” 

 

Nick’s hand touched her wrist and moved her hand down so he could kiss it. “We won’t let her. As is, both she and the Commander will be under increased surveillance, it will give us enough time to find her.” 

 

June bit her cheek, considering the options and all the information he'd just dumped on her. “How does this tie together with May Day?” 

 

“The more information we get, the easier it will be to pick the government apart. Leak more stories of handmaids and all the things happening here, find weaknesses. The same information that Pryce wants, the resistance can use.” 

 

It didn’t feel real, Nick had been a double agent, passing secrets to both sides and now he was asking her to do the same. “Can we really burn the house down if we’re inside of it? Is this gonna work?” 

 

“I have to try,” Nick answered. “But you don’t. You have a choice.”

 

She could choose. 

 

But she’d wanted to help May Day, she wanted to help every woman that wrote one of those letters on her floor. This wasn’t about her, it was about every handmaid out there. If this was the way to do it, she could do it. 

 

“Can we trust Commander Pryce? Will he go back on any part of this?” 

 

“He’s a true believer. I trust that he’ll keep his word.” 

 

June stood up, rolling her shoulders back, ready to take on the world. Nick looked up at her. 

 

“Let’s go looking for something dumb to do,” she said, unsure if he’d get the song she was referencing. 

 

He shook his head and the smallest hint of a smile pulled at his lips. He leaned his head against her stomach, June put her hands in his hair and felt him say something against her dress.    
  


“What was that?” 

  
But before he could answer, the door opened again and he was on his feet, guiding her behind him with a hand on her stomach and one on her side, putting his body between her and whoever was opening the door. 

 

It was a guardian and someone below Nick, if June had to guess because he looked away letting Nick move a more acceptable distance from her. 

 

“Commander Pryce said he can see you again at seven,” the guardian said. 

 

“Thank you.” Nick nodded and the door shut again, he turned back. “If you don’t want to do this, tell me now, otherwise, we’re getting married in an hour.” 

 

It was embarrassing that she didn’t think of Luke at all. It meant something that she’d have time to examine later, if she ever cared to, but she wouldn’t. There were new pressing matters to fill her time, like how to get the wives to trust her. 

 

June reached for Nick’s hand. “We’re gonna burn the whole place down.” 

  
  
  


\--

Someone was tasked with finding her a dress, anything that wasn’t red. This one was from before, found in a closet somewhere, it was navy blue jersey and short sleeved, but long enough to cover her legs so deemed appropriate for the occasion. 

 

If he hadn’t been so worried that she might back out, that this whole thing would crumble and not work, that he might do something stupid like look at her too long, Nick might have tried to remember each detail, every second of it. It wasn’t real. They weren’t really getting married, but every daydream he’d allowed himself to have about her featured a moment where she’d pick him and they’d be a family, safe, happy, and not in this monstrous society where he spent his time playing both sides and she spent her time surviving. 

 

Commander Pryce read some bastardized version of Genesis 2, talk of a helpmeet for man, but not the way he remembered his mother reading it. 

 

“And she shall serve him,” Pryce droned on.

 

That was some bullshit. If you loved someone, you wouldn't want them to serve you, you'd want them to be happy and you'd do everything you could to make them that way. Or so his mother had explained (scolded and lectured) that time he got caught in the back of his brother’s pickup with Tara Anthony sophomore year. 

 

He was really more interested in feeling Tara up than making her happy because he was a 16 year old boy. 

 

“And will you serve him?” Pryce asked June.

 

Nick’s jaw clenched. He should have warned her about the language they used. She hadn't looked up to answer and every second she didn't, Nick panicked. 

 

She cleared her throat and nodded. 

 

“You have to answer verbally,” Pryce prodded.

 

“Yes,” she said, without looking up. 

 

Nick hoped to God this wasn't going to backfire. 

 

How long could it possibly take? Surely by the time the baby was due they could get what they needed and get out. He'd never brought down an entire government but they had to try and this seemed like as good of a chance as any. June made him feel too confident about it. The idea of doing this work with her help, he felt bulletproof. In reality, he wasn't, but maybe she was. 

 

“May the Lord open your hearts to bless you and may you be fruitful in this union.” Commander Pryce winked awkwardly at Nick.

 

Of all the commanders, at least Pryce seemed the most honest but that didn't mean Nick liked him. They were all snake oil salesmen to him, but some of the salesmen really believed the snake oil could heal the world, that was Pryce. But he also didn't mind bending rules to clean things up. That made him dangerous on a different level. 

 

June kept her head down. Still. 

 

She didn’t say anything until they were in the car. They’d tried to issue him a driver but there wasn’t one around and he was able to put it off until tomorrow. Giving up driving wasn’t something he was looking forward to. He enjoyed it, always had, and he was likely a better driver than some of the kids they were assigning these days. Kids who had barely driven before. 

 

“This feels weird.” 

 

“Sitting in the front?” he asked her, glancing over at her quickly before putting his eyes back on the road. 

 

“Yeah, sitting in the front seat is the weird part of today.” He could hear her smile despite her dry tone. 

 

“Are you feeling okay? Hungry?” Nick put his hand on her knee, she covered it with her own hand, he could get used to this. 

 

“I’m fine.” She looked out the window as he pulled up to the house, brick and single story, but still, lavish, even low level commanders got the good stuff. “This is it, huh? Jesus, I think I saw this one on House Hunters.” 

 

“The Martha will be here tomorrow morning, along with the driver.” 

 

She laughed. “You’re going to hate that.”

 

“I’m thinking of the greater good,” he said, getting out of the car. He walked around to open her door and offered her his hand. “You want me to carry you over the threshold?” 

 

“My legs still work, thanks.” But she took his hand. “Let’s go see if this place is haunted, huh?”

 

\--

 

It was huge. Smaller than the Waterfords’ for sure, but easily twice the size of her apartment with Luke in Brookline. 

 

“Here’s your no girls allowed office,” she said, leaning into the office that was off the kitchen. 

 

He rolled his eyes but tugged her into the room gently, as if to say she was always meant to be there. The walls were lined with empty shelves and  there was a small sitting area, but Nick walked quickly back to the desk. 

 

“Decent internet setup,” he said, causing her to turn quickly to him. 

 

“Internet?”

 

“Yeah, the Waterfords’ have it too, you didn’t know?”

 

“Gee, let me think of all the times I might have gotten a chance to google shit in the last three years…” She held up a finger and pretended to think. “Oh, right, never.” 

 

Nick looked chastised. “Sorry. But it’s here now and you can always come down here and use it. Three quarters of the sites are blocked by Gilead but I’ll set it up so you can at least browse what’s not blocked.” 

 

“I could lose a hand for that,” she reminded him, Commander’s wife or not, that was still a punishment for women that read. 

 

“Not in  _ our _ house.” He came towards her and took her hands, but he wasn’t looking at her, he was looking at their hands. “This isn’t how I thought the day would go this morning, but we’re here now. We’re doing this thing together. If at any point you don’t want to keep going, please, tell me.” He looked at her now, something in his eyes made her heart clench. 

 

“Okay.” She nodded and felt him run his thumb along the bottom of her left ring finger. 

 

“I want to take them down, but above anything I want you to feel safe.”

 

“Especially now that I’m pregnant, huh?” It was catty and she didn’t think he was like the Waterfords, he’d never shown her he was, but she wanted to hear it from him. 

 

“Especially now that we have some control over your safety and now that we’re going to be committing light treason together.” He was defiant. “I’m grateful, happy even, that you’re pregnant, it’s a miracle, but you’re my priority. I l-, I care about you a lot and I care about the baby but you’re a whole person, not just a womb.” 

 

June swallowed past the lump in her throat.  She wasn’t sure what to say. It’d been years since someone valued her as a person, not just a uterus. 

 

“Let’s make sure you stay safe, too, okay? Don’t do anything stupid, who knows what the fuck happens to commander’s widows and I need you around. For stuff.” 

 

He gave her a small smile and nodded. 

 

“I’m exhausted, I’m gonna go to bed,” she said, and Nick let go of her hands. 

 

“Right.” He stood awkwardly in front of her. 

 

“Well, come on, let’s go try out the bed, it looked like a king which I’m all about.” 

 

“A king? You’re still going to be sleeping on top of me.” 

 

“Don’t act like you hate that arrangement. It’s not cute.” She grasped his tie and tugged him along that way, over her shoulder. He ended up with his hands on her hips, following behind her. 

 

\--

  
  


It smelled like bacon. That’s what woke Nick up, the smell wafting from the other side of the house. He buried his nose in the back of June’s neck, trying to ignore it. This was better. Being here, with her, tangled up, half dressed, in the early morning light. This was better than sex even, surrounded by her, his hand straying to her belly, thinking of all they had to do, but how even if it took longer than anticipated, that baby would stay here, in the house, with them. She’d have her parents, her real ones, not the Waterfords’. 

 

“Commander Blaine,” a voice came from the other side of the door along with a sharp knock. 

 

June didn’t stir, and he didn’t want her to, she needed to rest so he did his best to extricate himself from her side and then answered the door. 

 

“Rise and shine, Commander,” Beth, the Martha from Jezebels, almost sang. 

 

Nick shifted so more of him was behind the door. 

 

“Like I haven’t seen you in your underwear, buddy.” She gave him a knowing look. 

 

“Why are you here, Beth?” He tried not to sound accusatory but this could get awkward. 

 

“I’m your temp Martha.” She smiled. “I’m a floater, I cover houses that don’t have a full time Martha yet.” 

 

“When do you sleep?” he asked, thinking of the backwards schedule that Jezebels kept. “Have you always done this?”

 

“I sleep in the afternoon, it’s not like Jezebels serves dinner. Speaking of, she can turn on an oven right? I’ll just leave the pan in there, I set the fancier ovens but this one doesn’t have a setting for that. You’re definitely not a big shot. Your kitchen doesn’t even have a pot filler. It’s like the goddamn stone age in there, I’m cooking like a peasant.” 

 

“I can turn the oven on.” He glanced back at the bed, June was still sleeping. 

 

“Is that her? She's cute but you gotta tell her to keep her red tag covered or this will never work."

 

Nick looked back at June again and sure enough, the red tag was plainly visible on her ear. “You think there’s a way to remove it?”

 

Beth laughed. “No, what would be the point of marking them if they could remove it? I heard of a girl they chopped both her ears off and they found a way to pierce her skin, remember when people used to pierce their faces and such? They did that to the poor handmaid. They don’t fuck around with those girls. They don’t get to be erased…” 

 

She looked at Nick, her eyes narrowed. “How’d you convince Pryce?”

 

“I had a convincing argument.”

 

Beth smiled again. “Nice to see that promotion and marriage haven’t changed you and your monosyllabic responses.” 

 

“That was like nine syllables, thank you very much.” 

 

“Put some pants on, I made quiche.” She started to walk away but threw over her shoulder, “ _ The New Yorker _ called my quiche one of the best ten in the city so get her up, too. We can discuss how to hide that tag over breakfast.” 

 

Nick shut the door and leaned on it before sighing heavily. 

 

“Who was that?” June’s voice was rough from sleep and it took everything he had not to crawl back to bed and curl around her. 

 

“Her name is Beth, she’s our temporary Martha until a permanent one is assigned.”

 

June sat up and her hair was beautiful, flowing, picture perfect. How did her hair do that? His hand went to his own hair, trying to press it down and into a more decent shape. 

 

“And she wants me to fix my hair?” she asked, grabbing a lock of her hair and pulling it over her face into a mustache like little kids did in elementary school. 

  
He couldn’t help but grin at her. He probably looked ridiculous but she was beautiful and funny and she was in  _ their _ bed. She smiled back. 

 

“She’s my friend,” Nick explained, he shrugged as he went on, “Which occasionally came with benefits.”

 

After talking to her, he knew Beth wasn’t harboring any feelings, they were back to being friends and he hoped she could help June and get along with her. Even if she wasn’t in on their plan, it was good to have people who you could trust. 

 

“And she makes newsworthy quiche? Why is she only the temp? Can’t she stay forever?” June asked.

 

Before he could respond, there was another knock at the bedroom door. 

 

“Commander, we’ve got a delivery.” It had to be the driver. 

 

“Just leave it where it is, we’ll move things around after breakfast,” he called through the door. 

 

“Yes, sir.”    
  
“Weird to hear people call you that,” she said, but her smile was gone. 

 

It occurred to him that the title had a darker connotation for her. “Are you going to be okay? Doing this?”

 

Her face changed, and she feigned indifference. “I’ll be fine.” 

 

\--

 

She didn’t have any clothes. She came in the navy blue dress from yesterday, Nick gave her his jacket when they left because it was so cold, and she’d slept in her slip. But the navy dress wouldn’t do when there were others around. This transition needed to be seamless, she shouldn’t bring attention to herself. After a few minutes of digging around in the wardrobe, she found a house coat like Serena Joy would wear in the evenings and put it on. It didn’t seem to call any attention to her so it felt like a win. 

 

There were a few guardians in the house, bringing in boxes and rekeying the locks, fixing miscellaneous things like replacing light bulbs. But the kitchen was quiet. Beth had fixed plates for them and Nick was pouring himself some coffee, or what passed as coffee. The good stuff was still for special occasions. 

 

“Do you-” he started but she shook her head. 

 

“I shouldn’t have any.” She discreetly touched her stomach and his eyes followed her hand. 

 

“Oh,” his eyes widened. “Right, uh…”

 

“There’s juice here, I’m fine.” This would be so different from her pregnancy with Hannah, not just because she was living in a totally different world now, but because Nick was so concerned.

 

“Sit down, Commander,” Beth scolded as she came into the kitchen. “Stop acting like one of us or you'll never make it. The guardians out there are going to see you pouring your own shit and I'll get in trouble.”

 

Nick wrinkled up his nose but he listened to the Martha. She was pretty and for a half second June wondered if she should be jealous, but that thought disappeared as she felt his hand on her thigh under the table. 

 

“Mrs. Blaine, I'm Beth, I'll be your Martha for a few weeks. Do you have any food allergies or anything you hate? Any medical conditions I should know about when cooking for you?” She sounded professional but sincere. 

 

It was also the first time anyone had referred to her by Nick’s name and she must have made a face. 

 

“Kept your name before, huh?” she lowered her voice and checked the door before continuing, “It's just like your handmaid name, you'll get used to it.” 

 

June gave her a small smile and tried to relax. “I don't have any allergies but-” 

 

Nick squeezed her knee and she saw him shake his head just barely. 

 

June recovered quickly, “I don't like broccoli.”

 

Beth put her hand on her chest, offended. “You just haven't had it cooked properly. Everyone and their mother overcooks it until it's mushy, bitter, and tasteless.”

 

June shrugged. “Okay, I’ll try it again.” 

 

She didn’t even really dislike it all that much, it was just the first thing to come to mind so she didn’t spill the beans about being pregnant. She should have known better not to say anything. They were going to need to keep it a secret for a while. Sure, people could still do math, but it wouldn’t be hard to play it off. Besides, Hannah was almost two weeks early. June herself had been born at 37 weeks. Her mother had said that babies in their family needed a little less time. That genetic quirk would help immensely in their situation.  

 

As they ate breakfast, she found it comforting, to have Nick by her side and Beth digging through the cupboards. It felt normal and even though this was all a ploy to undermine an entire government, if her mornings went like this, she’d be happy to keep living like this for a while. 

 

“I'm gonna make a list of all the things you’ll need. Your permanent Martha will thank me.” She turned on the sink to wash her hands before turning back to the island. “Let me help you with your hair.”

 

June nodded and put down her fork.

 

“No, no, keep eating.” Beth was over her now, pulling some hair from above her eyes, she started braiding, at least that's what June assumed from the way she felt Beth’s fingers working. “My roommate, before, she had this tattoo that she had to hide from her boss. She used to braid her hair like this to cover it and I think it should work just right to cover your tag.”

 

She sat patiently while Beth braided, and then gathered the rest of her hair into a bun at the nape of her neck. 

 

“So you braid this bit of hair across the side, and then we just loosen it enough to cover the top of your ear.” From some magical place, Beth had bobby pins, she was pinning the braid and then twisting it around the bun. “And voilà! A boring wives’ bun but this one covers your red tag.” 

 

Beth stood back to survey her work and June sat up a little straighter. 

 

“Hmm, I’m gonna do it again. I’m out of practice.” 

 

“Cool,” was all June could manage. 

 

“I wish there was a mirror around so you could see what I’m doing. There are mirrors on every surface at Jezebels.”

 

“For every disgusting reason you can think of,” Nick added. 

 

“Wait, you work at Jezebels?” June asked, thinking of Moira. 

 

“Yeah, that’s my day job, if you will, well, my night job, you get it,” Beth said, losing a strand of hair and cursing under her breath. 

 

“Do you know Moira?” 

 

“Black girl? Short hair? Small boobs?” Beth asked, still braiding. 

 

“Yes!” June tried not to get to excited but her heart sped up at the thought. 

 

“She killed a client two days ago and escaped.” It was matter of fact, like that wasn’t an uncommon thing to happen at Jezebels. 

 

June gulped and she saw Nick’s eyebrow go up. 

 

“Is she okay?” June asked, trying to steady her voice. “Did they catch her?”

 

“My connections don’t go that far,” Beth said, moving around the front more so she could gauge the straightness of the braid before tipping her head towards Nick. “You’ll have to ask him.”

 

“I’ll see what I can find out,” he answered before June could ask, she wanted to hug him for it. 

 

“Did you know her from her Handmaid days?” Beth asked. 

 

June nodded. “Before too, we went to college together.” 

 

“Oh, fancy, college girl.” Beth turned and made a face at Nick that June couldn’t see. “What did you do after college, sweetie?”

 

“I worked at a small publishing house.” She caught Nick smiling at her, he’d never asked but it looked like he was happy to hear about her before. “Nothing exciting like being a chef.” 

 

“I do miss that,” she said, wistfully. “Once, Gordon Ramsey yelled at me.” 

 

“Didn’t that guy yell at everyone?” Nick asked. 

 

“No, you had to do something special to get yelled at. And I did it. I overcooked some salmon. It was a bad day. It was still amazing to have him yell at me.” She finished putting pins in June’s bun. “I pretty much cook for the same people now. Politicians, celebrities, assholes.” 

 

“Hey,” Nick cut in, mock offended.    
  
Beth rolled her eyes. “I’ve got to get back to work but I was thinking, since this guy got promoted,” she gestured to Nick, “I don’t have a good garden connection so I’m just gonna prep a spot in your yard and I’m bringing an herb garden in the kitchen, okay? You can help if you want.” 

 

“I’d like that,” she said. 

 

“I've told the guardians to take all the boxes with clothing and put them in the bedroom for you to unpack. So you can start in there and I’ll keep going through the kitchen to see what else you’ll need.” 

 

“Thank you,” June said, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. 

 

“Your hair looks good,” Nick said as Beth went off to catalog the kitchen deficiencies. 

 

June reached up to feel along the braid on the side of her head. “I hope I can do it myself tomorrow.” 

 

Nick reached over and followed the braid with his hand and then slid down her cheek. June sighed, content with his touch. She was the most calm she’d been in months. It was astonishing how quickly she decided that this was going to go well. Just being in his proximity without the anxiety of getting caught, she breathed easier.

 

“Nice not having to worry about anyone seeing us,” he said, his voice low, his thumb tracing her jawline and his eyes seemingly stuck on her lips. 

 

She leaned over and kissed him, that was allowed, they weren’t doing anything wrong. And she wanted to, she wanted him to know that she wanted to kiss him and she hoped to dull the hum of her skin begging to feel his skin. 

 

Her hand wound up his neck as he practically pulled her out of her chair into his lap, she didn’t even notice her hip bumping the corner of the table. 

 

“There are too many people in this house,” June said, pulling away, breathing hard. 

 

“Huh?” He sounded dazed as he caught his breath, his nose on her cheek, a hand on her stomach.

 

“I would fuck you on this table but there are too many people in this house.” She looked around and though she couldn’t see anyone, she could hear Beth just in the pantry, grumbling about copper pans. 

 

Nick’s hand slid down across her thigh, finding the opening in her bathrobe. He found skin soon enough and sighed heavily, his hot breath in her ear, before he pulled away. 

 

“We can do that later, right?” he asked as she scooted back onto her chair. 

 

June closed her eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to steady herself. She nodded. “Totally.” 

 

“I have to go to the Waterfords’ this morning.” 

 

A jolt of panic ran through her. “Why?”

 

“I’m clearing out my apartment,” he explained. “I won’t be gone long and they shouldn’t even be home. Do you want me to get anything from your room?”

 

June shook her head. There was nothing there that was hers. 

 

He stood up and bent to kiss her cheek tenderly. “I’ll see you in a little while.”

 

And then she was alone in the house...with guardians and Beth and boxes upon boxes of green dresses. 

 

\--

 

The driver, Cayden, (he knew it’d be someone young, and sure enough, one of those kids with the names that were made up, probably didn’t even know how to drive before) helped him pack up his stuff. There were eight boxes and thankfully they all fit in the sedan. He walked by Waterford’s Mercedes and touched it fondly. He could have used the room now, but it was silly to be thinking about the car he drove around for the cruel people he didn’t have to work for anymore. 

 

The Waterfords were gone though they didn’t take the Mercedes. Maybe they’d been picked up by someone. Maybe Pryce himself, trying to soften the blow? Surely not in the back of a black van. They were too high up and it would cause too much talk. 

 

“Nick!” Rita shouted from the kitchen door. “Nick! What’s happening?” 

 

He gestured for Cayden to wait in the car and walked up to Rita. He followed her inside (it was too cold to talk outside) and then stood awkwardly. 

 

“Well, tell me,” she demanded. 

 

But what could he tell her? He’d been practicing ways in his head to introduce June to others, but this was someone that knew her. Even though he trusted Rita, he never gave more information than necessary. 

 

“Why are you moving your stuff out, why did the Waterfords leave this morning in a huff? Where is Offred? Is she hurt? She must not be or you’d be angry at least.” 

 

“She's safe but we're not coming back.” It was the barest sliver of information and it only seemed to perturb Rita. 

 

“What happened?” She crossed her arms and glared at him like his mother used to when he lied. 

 

“I need to go.”

 

“Don't you dare, you tell me what happened.”

 

“June is safe, okay, and she'll stay that way. You don't need to worry,” he offered. 

 

Rita's brow went up. Probably at the use of June’s name. She only knew her as Offred. “You can spare more than that.”

 

Nick avoided her eyes. The veining in the marble of the kitchen island was his favorite distraction. To Rita, he was just the driver. Not an eye. He didn't even know the extent of what Rita knew about his relationship with June. She knew some things, she was good at reading people, but there was danger in telling her and he didn't want her to be in danger. 

 

“June and I aren't coming back.”

 

“So you said, Nicolas.”

 

He knocked the marble once, then twice. “I married her. She’s not a handmaid anymore.” 

 

“What?” Rita almost looked angry. “That can happen?”

 

“I have to go,” he said before turning to leave. He made it to the car before she came after him. 

 

“Wait!” 

 

“I can't explain,” he started but stopped when he saw her carrying a box. 

 

“These are her things. Not her dresses and such.” Rita shrugged. “Guess she won't need those now. But at least her toothbrush, the soap she likes, a little something from me too.” 

 

Nick felt bad for the exasperated tone he'd used. He took the box and tried to keep his balance as Rita threw her arms around him. “Thank you.”

 

“Tell her I'm praying for her and the baby,” she whispered before giving him one last look and running back to the house. 

 

He should have been attentive on the drive home. Nick knew the kid was young but he was so stuck in his thoughts about how Rita had told him she was praying for the baby. Now that June was relatively safe, he could think about it. Focus, fixate, panic. She was having a baby. He was going to be a dad. He'd never thought…

 

They were in the wrong part of town. His heart in his feet, for a moment, he assumed the worst. No one was safe, it had all been a trap, and now he was going to be taken somewhere for punishment.

 

“Cayden, are you lost?” 

 

“Uh, well, uh, sir,” the kid stumbled and it put Nick at ease. 

 

This wasn’t some nefarious plan where he was being driven to his own execution. 

 

“Take a left at the next light,” he instructed. “And when we get home, one of these boxes has an extensive map that you’re going to study because you need to be able to vary the route. When you’re taking me or J-Mrs. Blaine somewhere you need to be aware of not just where you’re going, but other cars and where they’re going.”

 

“Yes sir,” Cayden chirped back. “But-”

 

“But what?” 

 

“How can I know where other cars are going? I’m not driving them.” 

 

Nick tried not to sigh deeply. He was so young. “You’ll learn. It will take time, pay attention. I’ll help you. I’d be fine driving myself but they insisted I have a driver.” 

 

“I’m sorry I’m not better at this.” He took the turn at the light and then hunched over a bit, as if waiting for further instructions. 

 

Nick looked out the window to verify their location and further gain his bearings. “We’ll be on this road for a while. How old are you?”

 

“I’m seventeen, sir.” 

 

He tried not to scoff audibly. Younger than he thought. The kid probably didn’t even remember traffic from before. 

 

“Did they give you a gun, Cayden?” He needed to know if the kid even knew how to use it. 

 

“Yes, sir, but I’m a very good shot.” 

 

The bravado was disconcerting. He didn’t know what the world was like before. This kid who was probably just 13 when Gilead started blowing things up. When Nick had already worked a year for these terrorists. The men he now had to spy on. 

 

“I need to be able to trust you, I need to know that when I’m not around, you’ll take great care in keeping Mrs. Blaine safe.” 

 

The kid nodded quickly and energetically. “Of course.” 

 

“Especially if another Commander asks you to do something in reference to her.” This was important so he slowed down to punctuate every word with a pause. “Do not. Unless she or I says it’s okay. You report to me, understand?”

 

The car slowed for a stoplight and Cayden took the moment to turn and look directly at Nick. His face sure. “Yes, sir.” 

 

“Good.” 

 

\--

 

June woke to the waning light coming through the windows and Nick trying to quietly creep around the room. 

 

“For a spy, you sure make a racket,” she said, watching him halt in his tracks, his shoulders slumped. 

 

“Sorry,” he said, perching on the bed next to her. “Did you get enough rest?”

 

She stretched her arms above her, letting her muscles shift and wake up. “Yeah, I’ll probably have trouble sleeping tonight, it looks late.” 

 

“It’s almost five so I think you’ll be okay, but I’m sure we can find some way to entertain you if that’s a problem.” He smiled but it was different, smug almost, sexy. 

 

“You were gone all day.” It came out like a whine and she was embarrassed, she’d been fine without him. Unpacking boxes and trying to remember the type of shit Serena Joy would do, asking one of the guardians to fetch flowers so she could put them in vases in the entryway and dining room. “Did something happen?”

 

Nick moved his hand up and down her arm. He did that a lot. Just feeling her skin. It wasn’t sexual, the touch was soft, tender, and full of wonder. She was constantly trying to memorize him, all the parts of him she never wanted to forget, so when something awful happened, she could close herself off and hoard the bits of him she loved. She thought he was doing the same when he caressed her skin like this. It soothed him and June would be lying if she didn’t admit that she’d gotten used to falling asleep while he touched her like that. 

 

“The driver got lost so I had him do a couple of laps for practice. He wasn’t old enough to know how to drive before.” He moved from her arm, to her shoulder, across the fabric of her slip to her collar bone. “I don’t want him getting lost with you in the car.” 

 

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She tried not to close her eyes as his worked his way back to her shoulder. “Everything went okay at the house?”

 

Nick’s breathing was slowing as he went and June got a small thrill from it, like touching her had put him into a trance. 

 

“Yeah. Didn’t see anybody.” He stopped above her elbow and shook his head, as if to clear it, trance broken. “Rita gave me a box of your things.” 

 

“She didn’t need to,” June said, sitting up on the bed. 

 

“I think she’s mad at me, but she brought it when I was on my way out.” He looked away.

 

“Mad at you?” 

 

“She wanted to know what happened to you, why I was leaving, I told her you were safe and she kept poking.” 

 

“Why didn’t you tell her?” It took Rita a while to warm up to June but she assumed Nick trusted her much sooner, since they’d both been there since the beginning.

 

Nick was rubbing his thumb nail against his pointer, fidgeting as usual. “The more a person knows, the more they can be hurt.” 

 

It was a valid point, even if she hated it. 

 

She leaned her chin on his shoulder and put a hand in his hair and he sighed. “I hate that she has to stay there. With them. They’re awful.” 

 

Nick nodded just barely in agreement before turning to kiss her. She leaned into him, scratching at the hairs at the nape of his neck while he shifted so he could wrap his arms around her and bring her closer. 

 

“I think they’re all gone, except the kid and the guardian on perimeter patrol.” 

 

He grunted when she grazed his crotch as she tried to get his shirt untucked. 

 

“I don’t care who’s here, it’s our house right?” June started unbuttoning his shirt. 

 

“God yes,” he said, kissing the spot under her ear that made her shiver. “Our house.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, i'm still going. slowly. i'm having surgery end of the month so expect a little downtime between this part and the next. But I'm doing it! I promise! And feel free to bring me all your feelings on the S2 premiere in a couple weeks! I'm on tumblr at cupcakesandtv!

A panic ran through Nick. It woke him up and were June not sleeping with her head on his chest, he would have physically sat up at the shock. 

 

He’d made a bad call. 

 

He was too kind to the driver. 

 

Not knowing who he was, or where he’d been before he was posted with Nick. He hadn’t even looked at the kid’s file, that should have been the first thing he did before he got in the car with him. 

 

As gently as he could, he moved from under June and got up quietly, but he tripped over the dinner dishes that he meant to take back to the kitchen and June rolled over. 

 

“What’s going on?” Her voice was thick with sleep but he didn’t really notice, too focused on his task. 

 

“Nothing, go back to sleep,” he told her softly as he left the room. 

 

The back of the house had an addition, probably built as a mother in law suite back before, but now it was two bedrooms and a bathroom for the house staff. The martha would be in one room, whenever they got a permanent one, and Cayden was in the other. He threw open the door to Cayden’s room and turned on the light. The kid woke confused. 

 

“Sir?”

 

“Get up,” Nick demanded. 

 

Cayden got out of bed and stood stock still and straight. 

 

“What are your parents’ names?” he asked. 

 

“I don’t remember,” Cayden said, but he blinked and Nick cataloged it as a possible tell. 

 

“You don’t remember your parents’ names? How old were you when this became Gilead?”

 

He gulped but answered without wavering otherwise, “Fourteen.” 

 

“Where did you go when the Commanders took over the country?” It sounded like a pop quiz, the kind Nick himself would have hated in school. He wasn’t sure when he’d become the man shouting questions like this to poor kids. 

 

“A school for boys.” 

 

There it was. “Which one?”

 

“I don’t remember,” but he blinked again, he was lying. 

 

“Was it run by the Eyes?” Nick felt his skin twitch at the thought. 

 

“No.” Cayden wasn’t surprised by the question and he blinked. 

 

Nick grabbed his collar and moved him over to push him up against the wall. “You’re lying and you better start telling the truth before you’re sent somewhere you don’t want to be.” 

 

“I’m not lying,” Cayden managed to get out, but it only made Nick angrier. He pushed harder on the kid’s chest. 

 

“Who do you report to?” Nick ground out.

 

“You, sir, just like you told me, I’m not to listen to any other commanders.” 

 

“Was your school run by the Eyes?” He pushed in again, Cayden’s feet were coming off the ground now as Nick held him up against the wall. 

 

“Nick!” June screamed, horrified from the door. “Stop!” 

 

“They teach the boys to report the same way they teach the girls embroidery,” he told June. His skin was tight, he was anxious and ready for a fight. He let go of the kid but glared at him long and hard. 

 

Cayden didn't cower, but he wasn't at his full height either. Nick had scared him and that was good. 

 

“You report to me,” he pointed back at June, “And you keep her safe at all costs.”

 

He gulped. “Yes sir.”

 

“And her, you report to her.” It was an afterthought and he was embarrassed about it but Cayden needed to listen to June. 

 

“I don't report to women.” Cayden’s voice was meek.

 

“You do now. To this one.” He gestured back to June in the doorway. 

 

“Nick,” she hissed. 

“Yes, sir,” Cayden answered, contrite. 

 

“Tomorrow we’re gonna talk about the school you went to.” Nick rolled his shoulders back and walked out of the room. 

 

He made it to the kitchen before June stopped him. “What the  _ fuck _ was that? You can’t just throw people up against walls. We’re trying to lay low, remember?”

 

“I told him too much earlier today. I didn’t even read his file. It was stupid. It put you in danger. He’s probably reporting to someone.” The explanation came spilling out, it was embarrassing that he’d been so careless, he was better than that. 

 

June took a second. She tilted her head and gave him a patient look. “You think roughing him up made him more loyal to you?” 

 

Nick shook his head. He leaned against the kitchen counter and shook his head again. It was a hasty move that didn’t help anything. 

 

“We can’t turn into them. Doing this. Let’s not lose who we are in the process.” 

 

He didn’t dare voice that this was exactly who he was. Who they trained him to be. Minus the rash decisions that is. 

 

“Let’s go back to bed,” she suggested, her words insinuating that if he didn’t go to bed, she’d sit with him in the kitchen, waiting.

 

He considered brooding, but it would be pointless, especially when he really wanted to be surrounded by her. It’d been one day and he was addicted to the lifestyle that allowed him to sleep next to her, to touch her, to love her with no consequence. So he nodded and when she held out her hand, he took it without hesitation and let her lead him back to bed. At least if he was going to worry all night about Cayden being an Eye, he could do it with June’s back to his chest, his hand on her stomach. 

 

\--

  
  


By the end of the first week, June had unpacked the house, helped Beth with the herb garden in the kitchen, and settled on a menu to host her first wives luncheon. She figured she should do it quickly, before Beth was replaced with a permanent martha. Surely the new one would be a competent cook, but June liked Beth and felt confident that her food would give everyone something to talk about...so they wouldn’t talk about June. 

 

Days before the luncheon, Beth had an idea. 

 

“Crab.” 

 

“It’s January,” June said, folding linens. It was Beth’s job but June was bored after finishing her lunch and she liked to keep her hands busy. 

 

“I know a guy,” Beth said, eyes bright.

 

“Is the guy Nick? Because that’d be weird.”

 

Beth rolled her eyes. “I know more than one guy. But think about it, they’ll all be so shocked to see crab at the luncheon that they definitely will not notice that you used to be the help.”

 

“Crab? Like crab puffs?”

 

“No, actual crab legs.”

 

“You’re kidding, there’s no way you can get those!” June was sure it’d been more than five years since she’d had crab legs, the oceans were much too polluted to support them. 

 

“Okay so they’ve been frozen for three months, but that’s fine, you think these women know fresh crab from frozen? I promise they don’t.” 

 

“Alright, do the crab legs. I trust you.” It was offhanded but she did. How strange to be in this position and find a friend. 

 

—

 

The morning of the luncheon, June couldn’t sleep. It was colder than usual, a snowstorm was coming, but she could only tell it was cold from the chill of the bathroom tile on her feet. The covers felt stuffy and even Nick’s body felt too warm. She threw the quilt off in a huff and Nick woke. He tried to pull her closer but she elbowed him gently, and he backed off. 

 

“Are you feeling alright?”

 

“I’m hot and I can’t sleep, and in,” she looked over at the clock on the nightstand, “In five hours, our house will be flooded with women who want to eat me alive.” 

 

He grunted, rolling onto his stomach but turning his head so he could talk to her. “They won’t eat you alive.” 

 

“You’re not giving them enough credit.” She pouted and he grinned at her. “What? Stop making that face.”

 

“This is just my face.” But he bit his lip. 

 

“It’s not! You’re thinking something and you’re not saying it!” 

 

“I’m thinking about eating you alive.” He waggled his eyebrows and she she smacked his shoulder. 

 

He didn’t flirt like that, outright, often, or he was bad at it. So she knew he was trying to keep her distracted. It might have come across as blowing off her anxiety but it didn’t. He chose his words and actions so carefully, she knew exactly what he was doing.  

 

“Nick,” she whined playfully. “I’m worried.” 

 

He shifted and threw the blanket off his body and sat up. June saw he was cold, saw the way his flesh pebbled at the cooler air, but he didn’t cringe. He sat up and she did too, he gave her his full attention, no more flirting. 

 

“The wives aren’t wolves, but if you don’t want to hold the luncheon, cancel it. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” 

 

“I can’t put this off forever, I have to start somewhere,” June said.

 

“Tell me what you’re worried about specifically,” he offered. 

 

She wished she wasn’t still so hot because she wanted to cuddle into his arms and have this conversation like that, where she’d feel most safe. But she still felt like she was a degree or two away from sweating so she stayed where she was. 

 

“What if one of them recognizes me?”

 

“You smile and offer her more crab.” Nick rubbed his shoulder for a second. “I’m freezing.” 

 

“It’s really not cold. It’s sweltering in here,” June replied without thought. 

 

Nick tilted his head before running his hand up his arm. “I know you’re hot, but now I’m cold.” 

 

Oh. She understood now. She scooted closer to him and rested her cheek against his neck, fitting herself under his chin and his arms went around her. His skin was cool to the touch, causing her to feel a little more comfortable.

 

“Offering someone more crab won’t throw them off the scent. What if she tells the others? What if they tell their husbands? What if-” She was getting worked up, terrified even. 

 

“You’re not going back to being a handmaid, June.” He didn’t flinch or hesitate. 

 

“How do you know that? How can you be sure?” She couldn’t look up at him, too scared by the possibility. It’d been two weeks of this blissful state, surely it would be ripped from her soon. 

 

Nick drummed his fingers on her side, he was thinking, trying to decide if he should let her in on whatever secret he was keeping. She knew if she waited instead of pushing, he’d be more likely to tell her so she didn’t prod, despite the terror coursing through her. 

 

“You’re not going to like it.” 

 

“I’ll live,” she whispered against his chest.

 

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, she felt him wiggling his toes and his breathing was unsteady. 

 

“According to their laws and their word, and Pryce’s honor, you’re safe. They won’t take you from me.”

 

He never used that kind of language. Never suggested he had possession of her and that word choice meant something. But again, she knew she’d be better to wait than push. 

 

“They...you know how it is, in Gilead, the man...he’s…”

 

“I’m your property,” she said flatly, realizing. 

 

“You’re a person,” he argued, but she felt him nodding. “But as far as Gilead is concerned, they won’t take you away because of my...rights.”

 

“Your ownership, of me,” she said, trying to remind herself that she wasn’t mad at him. He was doing his best to work to keep her safe within the system. “I want to throw up.”

 

“I shouldn’t have told you.” 

 

“No, I’m glad you did.” June sat up, closing her eyes to concentrate on calming her stomach. “This is probably morning sickness...not wow I was just reminded the totalitarian government still views me as a piece of property nausea.”   
  


Nick rubbed her back. “Can I do anything?”

 

“You did your part already, pal.” It was a joke so she made sure to smile, even as she concentrated on keeping her stomach settled. 

 

He almost laughed, she heard it, but not outright. He kept rubbing her back and offered her water. But she declined and got up from the bed to lie on the cold tile floor of the bathroom. It was a trick that had worked when she was pregnant with Hannah but Nick had never seen it in action and was in the bathroom right behind her, concerned. 

 

“I’m fine.” She heard him scoff and reiterated, “Okay not fine but I’m not dying or anything. This used to help, it feels like it’s helping a little, you should go back to bed. No sense in both of us being up.” 

 

“Not a chance,” he said, sitting down on the floor with his back against the oversized tub next to her. “Can I still rub your back, does that help at all?”

 

It didn’t, but it didn’t hurt either so she nodded. He wanted to feel like he was doing something to help and that was fine with her. She appreciated the sentiment. 

 

“As if I wasn’t worried enough about this luncheon,” June mumbled from the floor. 

 

\--

  
  


“Are you sick?” Beth asked, her arms full of various linens for the dining room and formal living room. 

 

It was still too soon to tell anyone, she’d have to wait two more weeks before she could let it slip so she gave her most offended look and pinched her own cheeks to bring some color to them. 

 

“No, just tired.” It wasn’t a lie, she was tired. “And anxious.” Again, the truth. 

 

“But we have crab. They’ll talk about the crab and they’ll backhandedly compliment what you’ve done with the house and then they’ll go home,” Beth assured her. “After the c rème brûlée .”

 

“You made c rème brûlée ?” she asked, pleasantly surprised.

 

“The food is the star so you don’t have to be, okay? Don’t worry about anything except smiling so wide your face will hurt later.”

 

June plastered on the smile but gave Beth a real one to start. She was grateful to have her around to help and she dreaded the day they’d get their permanent martha. She’d probably be mean and old and June would be left without a friend. 

 

The entryway was gleaming, a vase had been brought in that was more elegant than anything she’d seen in the Waterford house. There were extra marthas bustling around setting out dishes and doing last minute dusting. June didn’t really know what she should do, so she just walked around, pretending to oversee the work. 

 

“Hey,” Nick said, cornering her in the hall. 

 

“Shouldn’t you be headed to work?” 

 

“I decided to do some work here, I’ll go in after the luncheon.” 

 

“You don’t have to stay here, go to work.” June said, did he think she needed a babysitter?

 

“Since you’re not feeling well, I thought it’d be best, I’ll hide in the office and only come out if you need a good diversion, and after we can debrief about any information you might have gleaned.” 

 

Oh. She was supposed to be spying on these women, listening to them yammer on was a necessity. June had forgotten. 

 

“I’m not going to have anything worth sharing. I never met these women, they’re not going to tell me anything today.” 

 

“You’d be surprised.” Nick said, tugging a bit on the braid on the side of her head that hid her red tag. “I know you’re nervous, but you just have to listen. Don’t worry too much about the spying part.” 

 

June nodded but didn’t feel any less anxious. She gnawed on the inside of her cheek and took stock of all the Marthas working in the other rooms. 

 

“I, uh, I have something for you,” Nick said, stumbling over the words a bit, causing June to look at him. He pulled a box out of his pocket and she noticed he was wearing a gold band on his left ring finger. That was new. “Pryce finally sent these. You’ll want it before the wives get here.” 

 

The box held a matching gold band and a second, older, worn, gold band. It was thinner than the one that looked like Nick’s, a bit dull even. 

 

“What’s this?” June pulled it out and noticed it was a bent out of shape just barely, but she liked it. 

 

“He sent the other one but I thought you might want to wear that one.” His voice was lower, like he was embarrassed, but she caught him smiling when she tried it on. “It was my mom’s.” 

 

The metal felt warmer around her finger. She pulled it off to examine it further, surprised. “How did you keep it?”

 

“My brother tried to give it to a girl once, before, but she didn’t want to marry him. When I left Michigan to come out here, I brought a few things. I wasn’t sure what would happen so…”

 

He kept talking but June wasn’t listening. Nick had a family before. The thought was foreign. He had a brother, a mother. All new information. 

 

And then the swooping guilt. 

 

June had a family before. Having a ring on her finger reminded her. Luke. What kind of a monster didn’t think about her husband for weeks? What kind of a person was thrilled to gain scraps of Nick’s backstory and exuberantly put a family heirloom on her finger without even remembering her own family? 

 

June turned the ring over in her hands, like the object somehow knocked the wind out of her and she wanted to cry but couldn’t even speak. The ring was beautiful, old, and she saw there was an engraving on the inside. 

 

“What’s it say?” she asked, surprised at herself for being able to speak.

 

Before he could answer Beth came rushing towards them. Nick took the ring from her hand and slipped it back on her finger before Beth could interrupt. 

 

“Praise be, now you’re properly accessorized for this event,” Beth said seriously. “There are cars arriving so you’ll need to be in the foyer to receive the guests.” 

 

“Right,” June said, her heart pounding in anticipation. 

 

She could hold a luncheon while ruminating on the fact that she’d replaced one husband with another. That she wasn’t being honest with either of the husbands. It was just a luncheon with a bunch of women who would be hoping for her to slip up so they’d have new gossip. But she could do this. 

 

Surely. 

 

Maybe. 

 

Making things worse, Nick leaned over and kissed her cheek, his hand on her stomach, he whispered in her ear, “Breathe,” and then Beth hauled her away. 

 

Was that feeling in the pit of her stomach morning (all day) sickness, guilt, or panic? Did it matter? 

 

\--

 

The event passed in a haze. June greeted women and smiled fake and wide, but not too wide. She offered the proper condolences when she heard of so and so’s illness. She made a joke about the out of season crab legs. But she was on autopilot. 

 

Her finger felt heavy with Nick’s mother’s ring on it. Then the weight around her neck of Luke. And each moment passing with her trying to pay attention to the conversation to snag some kind of hint that would be valuable at bringing an entire regime down. 

 

By the time Naomi Putnam walked in an hour late with her baby in tow, June was out of patience. 

 

“I just had to come see our newest sister’s home, it’s so cozy and quaint, I didn’t even know there were commanders’ homes this far out,” Naomi told someone on the way in. “Oh here she is, aren’t you lovely. I’m Naomi Putnam.” 

 

June smiled as best she could but kept thinking of the way this woman yelled at her while she tried to talk Janine off a literal ledge. 

 

“Nice to meet you, Naomi,” June said, tightly. “I’m June Blaine.” 

 

She’d said it at least a dozen times today but June felt a flair of pride at carrying Nick’s name. It was absurd because Naomi Putnam thought she was the queen bee around here and was only concerned with status, and Nick had the barest minimum. But June remembered what happened to Naomi’s husband after the bridge. 

 

“You’re beautiful,” Naomi said, her face presenting a smile but her tone suggesting otherwise. 

 

June didn’t take credit for many things but she’d saved Naomi’s baby. Janine’s baby. Things were getting mixed up. June could have easily been in Janine’s place, abused by her commander, taken advantage of, hated by the wife. And her baby, taken and then she was sent away. June could have lived that reality. It could still happen at any moment.

 

She resisted the urge to cover her flat belly protectively. 

 

“Won’t you have some crab legs? Beth has worked so hard on them, I think you’ll enjoy them.” It took everything she had to get it out, but Naomi was swayed. She gave June one more once over before turning to gossip with the other wives while they took turns holding Janine’s baby. 

 

When they’d all left, June collapsed on the sofa in the living room. Her feet hurt from standing, not that it’d been a long time, but keeping herself rigid and tense had exhausted her muscles. 

 

“I knew you’d survive.” Nick came in, his white button down rolled to the elbow and his collar loose. It was too casual and it made her think of before, what Nick might have dressed in when his mother insisted he dress up for dinner but he didn’t want to. 

 

Since he’d mentioned his mother, she’d had these flashes of what she must have been like, what their relationship was, probably nothing like her and her own mother. She fingered the ring on her left hand and remembered the inscription. 

 

“I need a nap,” she said as he gently lifted her legs so he could sit where she’d been spread out, resting her legs on his lap and moving a stray bit of hair out of her face. “I’ll get better at these wives hairstyles eventually.”

 

“Anything exciting happen?” he asked. “Any good gossip?”

 

June threw her head back on the armrest of the couch. She was supposed to spy on the women and instead she spent the whole time panicked they’d find her out, imagining what Luke was doing and how much he’d hate her for this, and thinking about Nick’s family as if they’d just appeared. 

 

“I’m bad at this. I barely remembered their names.”

 

“It’s your first time, you’ll get the hang of it.” 

 

“Naomi Putnam was here. Brought her baby and everything.” 

 

Nick tensed. “Did she say anything?”

 

“She knows who I am, I could tell, but she didn’t say anything about it. Condescended and bitched about crab while eating three helpings.”

 

He laughed. “You did good.”

 

June watched him fiddle with his own ring. He’d never worn one, she didn’t know for sure, but the way he was pushing at it with his thumb, she guessed. “You don’t have to wear it all the time. We’re at home, you could take it off.” 

 

He turned quickly and the look he gave her, like he was horrified at the idea of taking it off, but only for a second. He schooled his face quickly, making her wonder if she’d just imagined (hoped) it. 

 

“You don’t have to wear yours either.” He took great care to sound neutral, causing her to doubt herself further. 

 

“I like it,” June said, honestly, but she slid the ring off her finger. “What does the engraving say? Do you know? It’s too worn for me to make it out.” 

 

He took the ring from her but he didn’t look at the engraving on the inside. Instead, he put it in the palm of his hand and ran his finger over it. Over and over again, until he finally shrugged, slid it back on her finger, and then recited from memory, “ _ No one but you _ .” 

 

Again, the wind was knocked out of her, breathless and stunned, June couldn’t respond. 

 

“Are you...crying?” Nick asked, immediately picking up on her shift. 

 

She shook her head but she felt the tears welling up. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried to calm down. 

 

“Hey, hey,” Nick soothed, leaning over to rub his thumb across her cheek. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m a mess today. The luncheon and being sick and…” 

 

She still hadn’t opened her eyes. June was going crazy, unable to control her emotions. Anxiety, panic, guilt, and now this feeling she couldn’t ignore, but didn’t dare name.  If she named it, there was no taking it back. 

 

“I’m gonna be sick again,” she managed to get out before she got up to run for the nearest bathroom. 

 

As she heaved, Nick stood by. When she was done he had water and dry toast and tucked her into bed. Along with the nausea, there was a pounding in her head that wouldn’t stop and that’s what brought her back to the one bad day she had while pregnant with Hannah. 

 

Nick told her he wasn’t going anywhere, not to work, not out, he was staying home to make sure she’d be okay. 

 

Luke did that. He called her at home when she was hugging the toilet, she told him it was normal, but he came rushing home from work. He stayed all day and didn’t leave her side. Water, dry toast, and he’d googled that she could have some Tylenol so he gave her that too. He sat in bed next to her playing Candy Crush while she slept. 

 

She wanted to shout, beg, scream at Nick. “Go to work!” It was too close to what Luke had done and in all the head pounding and queasiness, she couldn’t take it. But she was weak. And he started to scratch her back as she lay face first on the bed and that felt a little better. She was weak and she wanted him to stay. 

 

So she let him. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very Nick heavy chapter. I tried to work in more June, but that will just have to come next. :)

Nick was bored. The meeting was 15 minutes past its scheduled finish and Commander Sorenson wouldn’t shut up. He liked the sound of his own voice and what should have been a four minute briefing was spiraling closer to 40.

It wasn’t even clear why Nick was expected to attend this particular meeting. Pryce had placed Nick in charge of safety and efficiency of the public truck system. The country’s roads had taken an understandable hit in the war and getting supplies of any kind to and from could get messy. Add to that the fact that various groups often tried to stop the trucks either to steal the goods or disrupt the system and cause chaos, and Nick ended up in a lot of meetings he didn’t really think were necessary.

Currently, Sorenson was supposed to be talking about water purification but had devolved into some story about the time he broke his arm golfing. It wasn’t even a funny story.

Bouncing his leg, he tried to stay focused on whatever it was that he’d need to know from this blowhard, but he kept straying to June. Since her luncheon last week, she’d been off. Not distant, not sharp, just off. She kept saying it was the hormones but he knew she was lying. Sure, she’d been very sick, puking all hours of the day, exhausted, and barely eating. But there was something else and Nick could only assume it was him.

He’d given her his mother’s ring and though she never took it off, something about that moment was, in his mind, a tipping point.

Maybe the ring itself made their cover marriage too real? Was she longing for her husband from before? Did she hate Nick for all the pressure he’d put on her to spy on the wives?

It was probably all of those things but Nick was sure that she was upset with him. She’d slept as far away from him as possible, saying it was stifling to sleep wrapped up together like they normally did. When he touched her, she’d jump, but then lean into the touch more. It was confusing.

Not that Nick would ever have said anything but they also hadn’t had sex in a week. She was sick, but June never wanted to _not_ have sex. Very early on he’d realized that each time she came to him, she seemed to be avoiding her problems by sleeping with him. He certainly didn’t mind, and he took that to mean he could help her, comfort her that way. He could make her forget and she wanted him to. A lot.

But she was physically sick. He berated himself for even considering that her lack of sex drive had anything to do with how she felt about him. June was pregnant and puking and tired. And maybe she hated him. For any number of reasons.

He should ask. That would fix this. Get to the heart of it and easily adjust course. Maybe offer to get her out of the country again. Fuck all the plans. She needed to get out of here. Especially if she was unhappy. Or hated him.

“You still with us, Commander Blaine?” Sorensen asked, jolting Nick out of his thoughts.

“Nope, I’d rather be home with my wife.” It was flippant but honest. He was learning which of the men he could mouth off to, some of them found it entertaining, others found it refreshing.

Sorensen laughed. “Newlyweds.” The other men joined in.

“That won’t last forever,” someone else said from the back.

Nick picked up a pen, hoping it would calm his desire to punch every commander in this room.

“This meeting has run over and you haven’t said anything about transportation in…” Nick clicked the pen in his hand several times while doing the math in his head. “A solid 35 minutes. I think it’s time to wrap up the meeting, respectfully, sir.”

“That’s fine, I was done. And tomorrow we’ll expect everyone ready for the Millington reports. We’ll be at Commander Waterford’s home all day. Be prepared, know the material, he’ll be asking about it. Goodnight, gentlemen.”

Three weeks doing this and Nick had completely avoided the Waterfords since the day he’d packed up his apartment. He wasn’t scared of being there tomorrow, but he was apprehensive. It would be a delicate situation and he’d have to be on his toes. But he wouldn’t dwell on that, he wanted to get home and check on June. Talk to her, apologize for whatever he’d done. Get back in her good graces. Even if that meant getting her out of Gilead. That was safer anyway.

  


\--

 

Halfway home he’d lost his nerve. Asking her wouldn’t help. Or would it? He couldn’t decide. He’d offer to get her out of Gilead again because he felt like he needed to revisit that escape route often, to remind her it was always on the table.

Except he walked in the door and she was up and doing the dishes, humming to herself. The closer he got to her the more sure he was she was humming a Bon Jovi song. It was cute and something that could be from a regular person’s life instead of their life.

Even if their life was much better now than it had been a month ago.

Of course, in life before, he was sure he never would have crossed paths with June and he was sure she wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Then there was that bit about her husband.

“You’re home early,” she said, turning to see him.

He stood in front of her, putting his hands on her hips and taking her in. She hadn’t looked this healthy all week. “Were you just _living on a prayer_?"

Her cheeks flushed and she looked away. “Maybe.”

“I could have done those dishes,” he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I don’t think you understand how boring my life is. Dishes sounded like a fun activity. Are all the wives this bored? I would kill to read _World War Z_ about now.”

“Why did I assume you liked classic literature, not something you’d buy in an airport bookstore?”  

“Didn’t you learn to never mock what someone is reading?”

“Or isn’t reading?”

“Rub it in, jerk.” She smacked his chest lightly and he looked sufficiently chastised, though he kept the faint smile. “What are you here so early for, anyways? It’s not even dinner time.”

June was looking bright and things felt like they were back to their own personal normal, he was blowing everything out of proportion, she wasn’t mad at him. Everything was fine. But this might upset her. He considered avoiding the question, but he knew if he was working with her, he needed to keep her informed.

Nick’s pause had given him away, though. Her brows drew down. “What’s going on?”

He shook his head and reached around her to put start putting the dishes that she’d washed, away. “It’s nothing, just meetings at the Waterfords tomorrow.”

She sucked in air and he saw her grip the counter behind her. “That’s not nothing.”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you have a plan for when Fred tries to murder you?” she asked, her voice taking on an edge.

He scoffed, but he put the dish down and gently took her hands so she’d stop digging them into the countertop, but she didn’t let him hold them. “One of us knows how to fire a gun and the other doesn’t even load his own rifle while pheasant hunting with the other commanders so I’m not worried about my chances.”

June put her hand on his waist and slid around to the back of his jacket, feeling for the gun he kept there. She calmed at the reminder, pulling it out of the holster and setting it on the counter.

“What if Serena Joy tries to murder you?” This was what truly scared her. She was petrified of Serena Joy and she had good reason to be.

“That’s a little trickier. Mrs. Waterford is a lot of things, but stupid has never been one of them.”

June held his gaze for a few seconds, she was defiant and stubborn and he loved every part of her. And maybe she cared about him too if she was this riled up by the mild idea of him being in danger at their former home.

She moved her hands up his chest and over his shoulders, pushing his jacket off. Then she focused on undoing his tie, then the buttons on his shirt. Nick was afraid to breathe, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to pull her to him, but instead, he let her lead. She’d been sick and he needed her to set the pace.

When she was working on his belt, he closed his eyes to contain himself but remembered he had to tell her. She needed to know.

He swallowed, breathing in through his nose before he whispered, “We could avoid all the worry if I just drove you to the border tonight.”

She stopped, her fingers halfway into his pants and he’d never felt more self sabotaged but he needed her to know. It was always on the table.

“Are you coming with me?” Her voice was rough.

“You’ll be safe and you can have the baby in a hospital with a doctor and those drugs they give you so you don’t feel anything, it’s safer there.” Nick looked down at her, but those stubborn eyes looked hazy. He didn’t know what she was thinking.

“Are you coming with me?” June repeated.

He shook his head. “I have to try and fix this. I made some of this mess, I have to-”

But she interrupted him, “I had a bad reaction to the epidural the first time. They had to remove it, so it doesn’t matter.”

And then she was pushing his pants down and kissing his jaw. He hoisted her up onto the quartz countertop, slid a hand up her thigh, pushing her dress to her waist, and moved her panties over.

He tried to be noble. That’s what mattered, she didn’t want to leave him, that meant something and he’d take it.

\--

  


The ceiling was patterned. It wasn’t like the Waterford house, but it was lined with tin tiles that made diamonds and curling lines around the edges. Nick kept his eyes on the diamonds, but then blinked, watching them go fuzzy in the dark room, then coming into focus again.

He hadn’t lied to her. He was confident that Fred Waterford wouldn’t try to kill him. But the thought had taken root and it only reminded him that Gilead wasn’t safe for June. It was stupid to think she could stay and help him. No, it wasn’t stupid, it was selfish.

June rolled away, pulling herself out of bed to pee. She did that three or four times a night now. She told him it was normal for pregnant women to pee all the time. He thought it was only a late pregnancy thing, but she told him about her uterus expanding and pushing on her bladder and he lost track of what she was saying sometime after that. Not because he wasn’t interested but because he just couldn’t believe her body was doing all those things. Nick wished he had a book about pregnancy because he wanted to be more prepared for what was happening to her, he wanted to read about it instead of constantly inundating her with questions.

She crawled back into bed, pushing her nose into his chest and threw a leg over his.

“It’s my job to be up in the middle of the night, not yours,” she spoke into his skin, tired but content. “Worried about the meetings? What are they even about?”

“Millington, Tennessee.”

“I want to hear about it, I’m bored out of my mind, let me in on the good shit.” She giggled a little, like she wasn’t really awake.

“I heard back, your friend Moira made it safely to Ontario.”

June lifted her head enough to kiss the side of his lips. “Thank God.”

He ran his hand down her side, feeling the skin under her nightgown. “You would be safer there.”

But she was already back to sleep.

When he tried to stop seeing her, it was for her own good. It was safer for them. Safer for her. That’s all he ever wanted, for her to be protected and happy. But he’d learned from that exchange that he couldn’t force her into safety. All he could do was keep offering to get her out. Maybe by the time she was nine months pregnant, she’d take him up on it. Then she’d be safe. Along with their baby. Protecting his family was the priority, and he never shirked from that.

And if something happened to him, if Fred did try to kill him, or more likely, Serena Joy, what would happen to June?

 

\--

 

Nick was up early, before June, trying to read up on the files he’d been given about Millington at the dining room table.

“I could have killed your wife!” Beth came storming in and smacked his arm.

“What are you talking about?”

“I could have killed her! I gave her bleu cheese last week and I could have killed her because _you_ ,” she pointed a finger against this chest and towered over him, “You didn’t tell me she was pregnant. I asked if she had any special dietary restrictions and neither of you told me she was pregnant!”

Nick pressed his lips together. He didn’t tell Beth. And he told June not to either. She wasn’t wrong, they’d lied to her. But he didn’t understand what she was talking about in terms of killing June.

“Don’t just sit there and look like an idiot,” Beth scolded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“The timing.”

“Most people don’t know shit about pregnancy anyways but I guess that’s the way you conned Pryce into letting you have June. Proving you got her pregnant...that was so stupid. What were you even thinking, sleeping with a handmaid?”

“Explain to me how you could have killed her,” Nick said, ignoring the previous, tricky question.

“I gave her bleu cheese!” She said it like it was the most obvious thing and Nick just shook his head.

“And that’s deadly?”

“Pregnant women aren’t supposed to have soft cheeses,” June said from the doorway of the dining room. “Don’t worry, I didn’t eat it, I hid it under some spinach at the bottom of the salad.”

“You should have told me!” Beth turned to June this time.

June shrugged. “Didn’t want to jinx anything, did we?”

It was a good cover, one Nick wished he’d thought of himself. And Beth seemed to calm at the explanation.

“I’m glad you’ve done this before or else I’d be a mess.” Beth poured June some tea. “Thank goodness I won’t be here for the whole pregnancy. My stress levels are through the roof just this morning.”

Nick had forgotten she was only temporary. He hoped whoever replaced her was more like Rita or Beth and less like any other martha he’d ever met. Beth and June had formed a friendship and he trusted Beth. He’d have to go back to being on guard constantly when the new one arrived.

“Commander, your meeting has been pushed back a few hours,” Cayden said, causing the room to quiet. They knew they couldn’t be too casual with Beth when others were around. It didn’t look good.

“That’s fine, thank you,” Nick said shortly, dismissing Cayden. “Since I have a little while, you wanna…” He tilted his head in the direction of his office.

June nodded eagerly, and followed him to the office.

“You okay?” she asked, when the door was closed.

“Yeah.” He pulled out a chair for her and when she’d sit, he sat down next to her. “So Millington, Tennessee.”

“Oh! I asked about that!” June caught on.

“I wasn’t sure you’d remember,” Nick said, smiling.

“I remember. So fill me in, tell me what’s going on, why does Gilead care about Tennessee?”

Millington was a holdout base of terrorists (or resistance, depending on which side you were on), the strongest base of terrorists that were currently causing Gilead trouble. It was a Navy base before so they’d been prepared with supplies, ammunition, and a good base of operations.

“They’ve held out since the beginning?” June asked, amazed.

“According to the files, we briefly had control of the base, but their leader was a decoy and once Gilead got comfortable, the rebels slaughtered a whole squad in their sleep.”

“Jesus.”

“It wasn’t great.”

“So are they part of Mayday?” She shuffled some folders around, glancing at them but not really reading.

Nick scoffed. “There are over 100 groups that are resisting the country.”

“Over a 100? Why don’t they all join forces or something? Like in Star Wars?”

Nick gave a weak smile. “They don’t really have a Princes Leia.”

“So all these groups aren’t working together, and they’re all just picking at Gilead, do they even make a difference?” Her face fell.

“They do. I have to go have like seven meetings about Millington today so clearly, they do something.”

“We have to get them to work together.”

“That’s not exactly a quick or easy thing.” He wished he could harness her enthusiasm. “Mayday covers most of Massachusetts. Then down through Jersey to Maryland, there’s another group, they call themselves Tea Pots.”

June scoffed. “Terrible name.”

Nick shrugged in agreement. “There’s too many, no one knows who to trust, bringing those groups together is impossible.”

June looked back to the papers, picking up a sheet at random and reading it. Nick wanted it to be easy, wanted it to be an attainable goal. If anything just so she’d have hope. He put his hand on her knee and leaned his chin on her shoulder, catching what she was looking at.

“We’re safe now, right? We’re okay?” He’d spent all night up, worried, he was going to see the Waterfords and they may or may not threaten him but he wanted to make sure that June felt safe.

“Of course,” she said absently, putting her free hand over his, reading the paper. “Is there more to this?”

Nick reluctantly moved his hand off her knee and his chin off her shoulder to dig through the papers before finding the page two of the document she was reading.

“What did you find?”

“I don’t know yet,” she said, but then gestured with her chin towards herself.

“What?”

“Come back,” June said, patting her shoulder.

He moved back into position, kissing her shoulder before resting his chin there again.

“I feel safe with you, Nick. I feel safest when you’re right here, with me. Probably makes me a terrible feminist but-” she tried to joke, lessening the impact but he still squeezed her knee and kissed her shoulder again.

“I feel safe with you, too. I love being with you.” It felt too far so he added a joke of his own. “No one I’d rather commit treason with.”

“Pretty sure we haven’t moved into treason yet, maybe light treason at best?” She laughed, and turned to kiss him.

“Light treason is my favorite,” he said between kisses.

 

\--

 

Despite being in the Waterfords’ home, he hadn’t been too close to either of them and Nick was relieved. He’d seen Rita briefly but she scattered when she’d delivered her tray without looking at him. Nick understood why but he hoped he’d have a minute to talk to her before the day was out.

It wasn’t until just before dinner that Waterford cornered him in the hall.

“Pryce told me what happened, but it’s bold of you to show up here.” Fred scoffed to himself. “With your suit and tie and a wedding band on your finger, after all we did for you.”

“Just doing my job, sir,” Nick said, brushing by Fred, but Waterford grabbed his arm.

He tried to pull Nick back, but Fred was weak and Nick was already tense, waiting for an attack, so he was immovable. It only perturbed Fred that he couldn’t manhandle Nick.

“Don’t make a scene, Fred.” He watched the commander narrow his eyes. Using his first name, blowing him off, these were calculated moves to remind Fred that even though he was above Nick, the gap in power was closing.

“Did you enjoy it? Did it make you feel powerful? To use her like that?”

Nick forced himself to breathe, not to rise to the bait. But Fred’s words gave him away. He never thought of June as a person. He thought of her as something to be conquered, something to control. It made Nick physically ill.

The commanders were all like this. The more time he spent with them, the more clear it was.

Nick never felt powerful because June came to him for sex. Sex wasn’t something you gained power with. It wasn’t a tool to hurt or control others. The first time he slept with June she needed comfort. She needed someone to share her trauma and she needed to feel like she could choose. That she wasn’t just a cog in the wheel.

Never once had he sought to manipulate, to dominate, to gain something from sex with her. Nick only wanted her to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel connected and in control of herself.

He let her lead because she needed that and Nick would happily give her everything she needed. He couldn’t stop himself, even if he tried.

“That baby is mine. There’s no chance you did that. It’s my right and my child and you’ve stolen him from me. And for what? For the smallest promotion? To take Offred from me?”

Nick shook his arm and walked away from Fred. If he stood listening to him much longer, Nick would lose control and kill him. Not for some masculine pissing contest, but for his entitlement and the way he spoke about June and the baby.

He didn’t give a fuck if the baby was his or not, but he certainly wouldn’t let the Waterfords ruin a child. Not June’s, not anyone’s.

“You think she’ll be happy with you? She’s not that kind of girl. She likes excitement, she likes to get dirty, you can’t just put her in a green dress and make a righteous wife of her.” Fred kept taunting and Nick’s fists clenched. “She’ll get bored and maybe run off with _your_ driver.”

_Don’t hit him._

“Sir,” Nick said, turning back, his face passive. “You’re embarrassing yourself. You couldn’t keep yourself in check and now you’re unable to keep your mouth and temper under control. There are men in this house right now who would sell you and your secrets for far less than a pound of flesh so maybe you should take a minute to calm down. Make yourself more presentable for dinner.”

At every composed, backhanded comment, Fred’s lips grew tighter and Nick was sure he could see the vein in his jaw pulsing wildly.

“Get. Out. Of. My. House,” Fred ground out.

“I should be headed home to my wife, she’s been woozy, the pregnancy took a toll on her last week but she was bright and glowing when I left her this morning. I’ll happily skip your dinner to spend some quality time with her.”

Fred was shaking. So much so that Nick didn’t dare turn his back on him. Instead they stood glaring at one another for a minute.

“Commander Waterford,” Rita called from the other room.

“Not now!” he snapped, but Rita came towards them before she recoiled, like Waterford might hit her.

The way she moved after that made Nick uncomfortable, a niggling feeling popping up but he ignored it. He took the cowardly way out, turning and leaving when Rita gave him cover.

 

\--

  


He found June in the office, she’d organized the papers, his laptop was open, and she was scrolling files. “What if we figure out a way to launch a coordinated attack with all the groups?”

He leaned over and kissed her head, desperate to be close to her, Fred’s encounter had him jostled.

“That’s a great idea. How do we do that?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t take _Intro to Toppling Totalitarian Governments_ in college.”

“Well I didn’t go to college so we’re gonna need a plan or some books to tell us how, something.”

June turned to him, suddenly concerned. “Did you see them?”

Nick sighed. “Yeah, I saw Fred.”

“I wish you could murder him. No, I want to murder him.”

“I also want you to murder him, but we can’t.” Nick took her hand. “Let’s go to bed.”

“It’s like seven, I haven’t had dinner.” A pout formed and he’d never been so enamored. “What happened?”

If he didn’t tell her, she wouldn’t worry. She wouldn’t know what happened and he could pretend everything was fine. But she’d know he was lying and he wanted to tell her. He wanted her to know and he wanted to share the trials of the day with her. Like someone would do with their spouse. A real one. Like a legitimate marriage.

“He said the baby was his and he wants you back.” Nick had no problem leaving out the less savoury things Waterford said about June.

June instinctively covered her stomach. He put his hand over hers, hoping to offer her more comfort.  

“They’re monsters.” Her eyes welled up.

“I know.” He pulled her into his arms and she went easily. “We won’t let him take the baby or you. We won’t.”

“We won’t,” she muttered into his shirt.

When she was calmed after that news, he knew he had to tell her about Rita.

“We have to get her out of there! You know how they treated me! We have to get Rita out of there. She doesn’t deserve this.”

“I used up any capital I had saving you, I can’t do anything about it,” Nick said, fidgeting and feeling useless.

“I’m gonna figure something out.” June was determined and while he was so in love with her fighting spirit, he worried that this would put her in harm’s way.

“You have to be careful, we’re supposed to be laying low.”

“I can’t leave her there.”

“You have to.”

“I’m going to figure something out.” She left the office, marching to the kitchen determined.

There was a lasagna on the stove and she stabbed it with a knife the way he imagined she’d stab Fred Waterford if given the chance. He could relate.

“Can I help?” he asked.

“I’ve got it,” she said.

“Rita will be fine.”

“No,” she said, putting down the knife and reaching for a spatula to scoop the lasagna. “She won’t. No woman is fine in Gilead.”

He bit the inside of his cheek, he knew she was right and he deserved to be reminded that he had a lot more privilege in this world.

June took a bite of her food, Nick dished himself some even though he was sure he didn’t want it. He felt sick to his stomach.

“Why am I any different than her? Why am I more important?” she asked, sincerely.

“Well I wasn’t sleeping with Rita,” Nick answered, but immediately regretted it.

It felt gross to boil it down to sex. He loved her. He just didn’t feel like he could tell her that. She had a real husband, a real family, she didn’t need the added stress of his feelings for her. “She’s not carrying our baby. I had to get you out, for you and the baby. You are the top priority for me. Rita is important but we can’t do anything about her.”

June leaned on her elbow and rubbed her hands across her forehead. She’d gotten the message and now she was sad. He hated to see her like this.

“I’m gonna keep working the problem.”

“We have to lay low.”

She sighed deeply and picked up her fork again. “I know, I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! Find me on tumblr at cupcakesandtv! And if you liked what you read, consider sending me a coffee! Ko-fi.com/crystalculp


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